Capitalist Parenting: Why Parents Should Bribe

Bribery has a bad name in parenting.  You know how it works—someone is coming over and you need some best-behaving kids, ASAP.  "If you're good while Aunt Janeen is here, you can have a bowl of ice cream with chocolate-covered cinnamon bears and sprinkles!"  There's so much to find offensive about that statement, isn't there?  Not the least of which is chocolate-covered cinnamon bears.  

The problem with the above example is the artificiality, the sense that the good behavior isn't real, but a facade.  And, we all know there's nothing worse than a fake.  Nothing worse, that is, except a parent encouraging or, gasp, PAYING for fakeness!  

Such parents deserve the worst results, precisely those results such parenting can only end up producing: the ungrateful felon.  There are many felons who still bask in the sunshine of parental love.  These felons know their place, they know they've done wrong, and they wish they'd listened to their parents.  We still love those felons, and accept their parents.

But, the ungrateful felon?  Not only is he imprisoned, but he rightfully blames his parents, "Mom and Dad taught me to ACT good . . . when all along they KNEW I was bad!"  

All bribing parents deserve a gaggle of ungrateful felons.  These are the elderly unloved parents who don't get to live in the homes of adoring adult children in old age, or even receive nursing home visits from loving children.  These are they whose children would not visit them in the nursing home even if they could get out of prison.  Parenting's bottom rung.  So, so very low.

And yet, here I am supporting, nay, aiding and abetting the bribery of small (quite small!) children.  Openly!  On a blog!  And Facebook?!  The fact is, bribery doesn't just have a bad name, it has the wrong name.  "Bribery" as a descriptor is used too broadly, and as a result, much effective parental pruning is so often left where the pruning shears are: unused, in the garage, in front of the man-cave 60" flat screen . . .

What were we talking about again?  

Sorry, I'm a man, and the father of four young sons--it's so easy to get distracted from the whole fatherhood thing, right?  It's all so long-term.  I like to see results!  Now!  I see something wrong with my kid and I want to fix it,  "Let's go!  Man up!  Get out there and git'r done!  What do you mean you're scared?  Nonsense, you go out there and punch that [insert life experience] in the mouth!"

I know I'm right, because I have a man card and right on the back, underneath the tiger's eye logo and the Rocky Balboa signature, it says, "This is how we do it."  But, as one of my favorite self-help authors writes, "except when we don't, because sometimes we won't.  I'm sorry to say so but sadly it's true, sometimes bang ups and hang ups CAN happen to you."  (Dr. Seuss, Oh! The Places You'll Go!).

Though it pains me to admit it, and endangers my street cred, sometimes the eye of the tiger blinks in the face of a small child.  It's the ever present battle of wills:  Parent pleads with child to participate in activity x, y, or z, all of which parent KNOWS will be of eternal benefit to child.  Child, equally sure of the imminent ruin such activities will undoubtedly bring to life as he or she knows it, refuses.  Much hair pulling and fit throwing ensues . . . by the parent.  Child, of course, is calm and resolute in the serene confidence of his or her sagacity.  

"How can he be so irrational!"  Parent thinks to him or herself.  "How can he not see how AWESOME T-ball is, or how tremendously he will thank me when we're at a day game at Wrigley Field in five years, with hot dogs, and malts, and tangible, transcendent happiness exuding from our very EYEBALLS because he knows how to keep score, and all because he listened to ME and PLAYED T-BALL!!! "  

But the child doesn't see it, not a whit of it.  And thus, our mind is blown.  There is no reasoning, no cajoling, no logic that can change that child's mind.  And, we can't pay the child to play, because, well, you know, that would be bribery, and what with the proliferation of ungrateful felons and all, we just can't take the risk.

Or can we?  

Is it the same?  Is bribing a child to behave when company is around or to clean a room or to "be nice" to a sibling, grandparent, or guinea pig, the same as "incentivizing" a child to participate in a meaningful, potentially growth-producing activity? 

No, it's not.

So, swallow your pride and accept that your child is not irrational.  He or she is just working under a different cost-benefit analysis than you.  You are thinking "Princeton" and he is thinking, "Happy Meal toy".

Get over it, and get down on one knee.  Look your child in the eye with those patient-I-love-you-eyes he always stares so hard to find so he knows it's really you talking to him and not the exasperated, git'r done-alien-parent who occasionally takes your place.  

In laymen's terms, what you are about to say next amounts to, "So, what's it gonna to take to get you into these here baseball stirrups?"  However, in conformity with the ever-watchful child psychology intelligentsia, what you actually say is:

"Son, I understand that T-ball is new, and sometimes newness is hard and strange.  And, (because children are deeply distrustful of "buts") I think you might like baseball.  I've seen how accurately you throw legos at your younger brother's head and I think you might be pretty darn good at this sport.  I'd like for you to try it once, just one season, to see if you like it and to see if you're any good at it.  I know it's hard to try new things sometimes, and I believe you can do hard things.  When you grow up and have a job, people will pay you to do hard things, important things, necessary things.  So, let's practice that now.  If you will sign up for T-ball and try your best, I will take you to Walmart and you can spend seven dollars however you like."

And, being the rational, compact human being he is, the child will shrewdly regard you for a moment, put out his hand, and say, "AND a Happy Meal!"  

Bam! you've got yourself a baseball season!  And, after a half hour in the sunshine and dirt, your kid loves it!  "98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed." 

So, what is the English word for "meaningfully targeted incentivization?"  Yeah, that's what I thought.  Lacking a better substitute, such transactions have been swallowed up by the much broader term "bribery."  But, it's not right.

As a lawyer, I know something about bribery.  Believe me.  And what I know is that it has nothing to do with encouraging a child to play t-Ball.  Technically, LEGALLY, bribery is the illicit payment of funds in exchange for illegal or prohibited behavior.  Is T-ball illegal?  Dancing lessons?  School oral reports?  No, of course not.

"Wait!" you say, "your logic is flawed!  It's true that T-ball and dancing are not illegal, but neither is behaving when Aunt Janeen is in town, or cleaning your room etc.!"  And, you're right.  This is where the key preliminary question of capitalist parenting comes into play, the question you should always ask yourself before considering "bribery":

---Is mere participation in this activity likely or even capable of facilitating a love for the activity, or of overcoming fear of the activity?---

If the answer is Yes, you may bribe, you SHOULD bribe, you MUST bribe!  

How dare you even think of allowing your child to miss out on possible lifelong pastimes, talents, and/or skills in the name of misplaced word association!  

Your child may never learn to love to clean his room—some things just need to be done because they need to be done, and that's life.  So, "clean your room or else!" is okay.  And, your five year old will never learn to "love" behaving when Aunt Janeen comes over because behaving with company means suspending animation, refraining from running, jumping, leaping, playing etc.  

So, does it work?  "Meaningfully Targeted Incentivization?"  Yes, it does.  Not all the time, of course.  Sometimes the fear is worth more to the child than you're able spend.  I love to play basketball, but one son won't go near it.  When that son was five, a horrible little boy (and no doubt future ungrateful felon), took a look at my son playing around with a basketball during recess and told him that he was bad at basketball.  And, that was that.  So ended the thirteen year NBA career I'd imagined for my son, gone at the ripe old age of five.  

There is no cure-all in parenting, and that's kind of the point.  Every child, age, and nuance is a new problem to solve.  However, there are pieces to the puzzle, and tools to the trade.  And even though all my sons would assure you that many more blog posts could be filled with things I do wrong than things I do right, somebody said something recently that made me think I should share this.  The comment was "not one of us has ALL the answers, but each one of us has some.  We're all here together to share what we know, so that everyone can benefit."

That comment resonated with me because that's what I try to do--not let what's wrong with me get in the way of what's right.  I am who I am more for the mistakes I haven't made than for the mistakes I have.  My motives aren't always 100% pure, but I find that the more good I try to do, the purer my reasons for doing them become. 

And, Someone has done their best, and sacrificed a lot, to try to make it worth my while to do what's good for me and others--even when I just don't want to, or feel afraid.  

Hmm . . . that sounds a lot like bribery.  

Sean Nobmann is a husband, father, attorney, and teacher who has written A Mid-Life American Dream, a book describing how successful baby boomers can re-live the American Dream through a Capitalist Retirement. 

Nota Bene:

Incidentally, and because I know the women are interested, the front of our man cards are blank except for a thin, horizontal line.  That's where we write in our call-sign.  No, call-signs are not just for fighter pilots, fighter pilots have just earned the right to leave behind their given names.  No, their mothers don't mind.